The Belated Education Of Petunia Dursley
by skullfarmer
Summary: The inevitable catches up with Petunia Dursley


THE BELATED EDUCATION OF PETUNIA DURSLEY  
  
By Ed Cowell  
  
These characters DON'T belong to me. "Not Enough Time" belongs to  
  
INXS. As far as I know,there is no band called Rectal Tissue,  
  
although there is one called Rectal Leak. I don't know what  
  
to rate this. I've said it before: I wish there was an Unrated  
  
option on this site.   
  
1.  
  
In the dark, Petunia Dursley opened her eyes.  
  
Vernon,asleep beside her,kept on snoring.  
  
The clock on the nightstand read 15:50.   
  
Something felt horribly wrong.  
  
She felt weightless,somehow.  
  
"Vernon?"  
  
"Mphrrrz..."  
  
Petunia threw the bedcovers off of herself.  
  
The lower half of her body was floating several feet from the bed.  
  
"Oh my God,not AGAIN..."  
  
Now that the bedcovers were away,she leveled off.   
  
"Vernon,wake up," she hissed,floating towards the ceiling."VERNON."  
  
"Grrrmf...is that you, Stephanie?"  
  
"Stephanie? Who the hell is-VERNON-"  
  
She touched the ceiling. She explored it with her hands.   
  
"This has to be a dream," she said. It hadn't been a dream last  
  
night,either. The ceiling dropped away; with a resigned scream,she   
  
fell to the floor.  
  
Vernon sat straight up in bed.  
  
"Petunia? What are you doing on the floor?"  
  
"Nothing,DEAR."  
  
"Come back to bed."  
  
"Be right there," she said,giving him a reassuring,false smile.  
  
He'll be lucky if I ever sleep with him again,she thought. No more  
  
Wham,Bam,Thank You Ma'am.  
  
He fell asleep almost immediately.  
  
"Typical," she said.  
  
She went downstairs.  
  
In the kitchen, she poured herself some milk.   
  
She sat at the table,trying to think.  
  
She ended up thinking vehement thoughts about her dead sister.  
  
This was all her fault. Well, actually-  
  
She scowled.  
  
The glass shattered; the milk splattered all over the table.  
  
"No," she said. "Oh,this can't be happening to me..."  
  
That weird feeling began to come over her again.  
  
She stared at her hands.  
  
Slowly,they disappeared.  
  
She sat there, invisible, and wept.   
  
Just as she was settling down,the kitchen door opened.  
  
It was Dudley.   
  
I thought he was in bed.  
  
Where had he been?  
  
"They're asleep," he said.  
  
A girl followed him into the kitchen.  
  
She wore a neon green halter top and incredibly short denim shorts;  
  
she had dyed her hair blonde and teased it with hairspray. She  
  
had a backpack slung over her shoulder. And her jaws were busy with  
  
a wad of gum. She looked about forty years old.   
  
For a moment,she hoped the girl was Dudley's sparring partner.  
  
Or the singer of the band he was in...what was it called again?  
  
Oh,right. Rectal Tissue.  
  
"So where is it?" Dudley asked. "I've been waiting all night."  
  
"I couldn't give it to you in the open,you know."  
  
Drugs, Petunia thought. My son is a drug addict. Or a dealer.  
  
"You never gave me the money," she said.  
  
"Oh,all right," Dudley said. He dug in his pocket. He pulled  
  
out...  
  
...a pound? How much heroin could you buy with a pound?  
  
He handed her the pound.  
  
She put her backpack on the table.  
  
They both saw the broken glass.  
  
"Someone had an accident," Dudley said. "Probably Harry."  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"My cousin."  
  
"He's that guy with the scar,right?"  
  
Dudley scowled. "That's him. Has he tried anything with you?"  
  
"I've never even met him. I've seen him. He's shy. Cute,though."  
  
"Maybe he won't be so cute,next time you see him."  
  
Maybe Harry could rearrange her face with magic. Other than that,  
  
she couldn't see Harry coming within five hundred yards of this   
  
girl.  
  
"Don't you dare,Dudley. I won't give you any more packages."  
  
Oh my God,he's a cocaine courier or something,Petunia thought.  
  
She unzipped her backpack.  
  
Then she pulled out a stuffed animal. A cute one. It was a little  
  
gray shark,with beady black eyes and smiling with long and pointy   
  
teeth.  
  
Drugs,in the stuffed animal,she thought.  
  
Dudley's eyes went wide. "I've been looking for that one," he said,  
  
cradling it like a five-year-old on Christmas morning.  
  
This, Petunia thought, is too bizarre for words.  
  
"Glad you like it," the girl said.  
  
"No one can know about this," he said.  
  
"My lips are sealed," she said,as if she had said it before.  
  
"Hey,we practice tomorrow," Dudley said. "New stuff. I wrote  
  
a new song. 'Billions Of Body Bags.' I still think 'Feed The Kitten   
  
Ground Up Glass' is better."  
  
"Sounds romantic," she said, and left.  
  
Dudley left the broken glass and the milk on the table.  
  
After he went upstairs, she put her head in her hands.   
  
"Dudley,Dudley,Dudley..."  
  
2.  
  
Next morning, to piss them off, she was nice to Harry.  
  
"Good morning,Harry," she sang,when he came downstairs.  
  
"Morning,Aunt Petunia." Then he blinked. Even with her   
  
back turned,she saw the look on his face. Dudley and   
  
Vernon looked absolutely mystified.   
  
"Beautiful day,isn't it?"   
  
"Yeah," Harry said. "It is. I'm starting with the weeds today-"  
  
"Don't bother. Dudley,after breakfast,would you pull some weeds?"  
  
Harry's jaw dropped. Vernon just looked at her.  
  
"I'm sorry," Dudley said,"What?"  
  
She turned from the stove and looked Dudley in the eye. "Go get a   
  
screwdriver. Or a spade. Or something. Use your hands if you must.  
  
When you have an appropriate tool,go outside. You know,outside?"  
  
Ever so slowly,Dudley said "I'm familiar with the outside of the   
  
house,yeah,"   
  
"Great. Then when you're outside,sit on the lawn Harry here has   
  
tended so well and pull weeds. In fact,breakfast won't be ready for  
  
a while. Go now. The sun will be good for you."  
  
Dudley opened his mouth.   
  
She flared her nostrils.  
  
His jaw spasmed shut.  
  
He blundered up from the table.  
  
In a moment,he was gone.  
  
Vernon looked at Harry.  
  
"You're doing this," Vernon said.   
  
"No,I'm not," Harry said,shaking his head.  
  
"It's true," Petunia said. "He's not doing anything he shouldn't."  
  
She arched her eyebrow at Vernon. That's right,you overbearing,  
  
overfed whale. I know you're bonking someone else and now I'm  
  
going to make you pay for it.   
  
"Excuse me," he said. "I think I'm late for work."  
  
He left.  
  
"Well," she said. "Looks like it's just you and me,Harry."  
  
She wouldn't have blamed Harry if he'd been mad.  
  
He pulled a chair out.  
  
"You've never called me Harry before," he said.  
  
Then he sat down.  
  
She spooned bacon and eggs onto his plate.  
  
"Who are you and what've you done with my aunt?" he asked.  
  
She just laughed. "Harry...you've read about how women go  
  
through...changes...haven't you?"  
  
"Oh. Right,yeah."  
  
"I can feel myself changing as I sit here. I feel like a new woman."  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Eat," she said.   
  
She got up from the table.  
  
"Oh...by the way,did you feed your owl?"  
  
"Hedwig was asleep when I woke up. I fed her last night."  
  
"Oh...well, then. I guess I'll putter around."  
  
She flashed a nervous smile at him,and beat a hasty retreat.  
  
3.  
  
Around noon,there was a knock on the door.  
  
Harry answered it.  
  
Someone he knew stood on the other side-a plump woman with   
  
crazy hair and kind eyes. He had never seen her so clean. Usually,  
  
there was gritty dirt under her fingernails,and mud on her robes.   
  
He had never seen her in street clothes; a lot of wizards couldn't  
  
get a handle on them,but she wore an old pair of running shoes,   
  
dark sweatpants and a t-shirt that read EARTH DAY IS EVERY DAY   
  
across the front. She also wore a green cloak across her shoulders.   
  
"Professor Sprout?"  
  
She smiled.   
  
"Hello,Harry. May I come in?"  
  
"Sure," he said.   
  
She stepped in.  
  
"Can I take your cloak?"  
  
"Such a gentleman. Thank you."  
  
He stood,holding her cloak for a moment.  
  
"Is there a problem, Harry?"  
  
"I don't know where to put this," he said.  
  
"Throw it over the chair," she said. "It's older than I am. The  
  
cloak, not the chair."  
  
Harry grinned, and did what she said.  
  
"Can I get you anything?"  
  
"Some tea would be nice."   
  
"Just made some," he said. "Actually,my aunt did before I could."  
  
He went into the kitchen and poured some tea for them both.  
  
He came back into the room. She was sitting on the couch.  
  
Harry sat next to her.  
  
"Your aunt's the reason we came," Professor Sprout said.  
  
"We?"  
  
"Madame Hooch and Madame Pomfrey will be here soon."  
  
Harry looked at his feet. "My uncle-"  
  
She lifted his chin.  
  
"Your uncle's not here. And I can handle Dudley."  
  
A slow grin spread across his face.  
  
"How do you know about Dudley?"  
  
"I know more about them than they know about themselves."  
  
"Hagrid,right?"  
  
"Hagrid's one of my sources, yes. I was watching Dudley work  
  
on the lawn. I'm sorry to say, there are gaping holes in the   
  
front yard now."  
  
"I'll just replant the grass," Harry said. "I've gotten really  
  
good at lawncare."   
  
"I know," she said. "I've watched you."  
  
"...you have?"  
  
"Your aunt's always fussing about the neighbors,isn't she?"  
  
Her words sunk in. "You live in this neighborhood?"  
  
"A rotation of our people use houses in this neighborhood in the   
  
summer. I'm one of them,yes. I've had the honor of watching   
  
you grow up,even among...this."  
  
"Professor Dumbledore said...he said he'd watched me closer than I   
  
could ever know."  
  
"Well,it's a different matter with him. That's all I can say. As  
  
I said,we're here because of your aunt. Has she been acting at  
  
all...peculiar?"  
  
"This morning,she called me Harry."  
  
"What does she usually call you?"  
  
"Usually,it's just 'Boy.' or 'The freak.' Or my favorite, It.  
  
It's not so bad this year. My uncle still does it when he thinks   
  
I'm not listening."  
  
Professor Sprout touched Harry's hand. "When you're eighteen-"  
  
"If I live that long."  
  
"-WHEN you turn eighteen, you'll never have to see Vernon or   
  
Dudley again. That's why we've come today."  
  
"You think Petunia's a witch?"  
  
"We KNOW Petunia's a witch. Your mother was an early developer.   
  
Sometimes a witch's abilities manifest later. Petunia's   
  
in menopause. A woman undergoes changes in that stage of her  
  
life,Harry. It's-"  
  
There was a knock at the door.  
  
"I'll get it," Harry said.  
  
He went to the door and opened it.   
  
Madame Hooch was wearing sunglasses, even though the sun wasn't  
  
glaring today. He supposed she wanted to avoid gawkers who were  
  
mystified by her golden eyes. Harry sometimes suspected that Madame  
  
Hooch was an animagus...only, she'd started out as an animal. A   
  
hawk or an owl. Her hair was still short and spiky, and she wore   
  
black boots, black jeans and a washed-out Intense Hammer Rage   
  
t-shirt. She had the body of an athlete. Probably not just from   
  
refereeing Quidditch.   
  
She carried a black helmet under her arm. The visor was also black.  
  
"Thanks," she called to the motorcycle gang who'd dropped her off.  
  
They roared away en masse.  
  
"Am I late,Potter?"  
  
"Professor Sprout is here. Come in."  
  
She stepped in. Once inside,she surveyed the room.   
  
"Euuugh," she said. "How do you stand these people?"  
  
"I don't."  
  
"Good. Bloody bourgeois snobs.Hello,Addie." She smiled."You witch."  
  
"Ilsa,good to see you. How was Salem?"  
  
"Still the most ironic place on Earth."  
  
"How is it ironic?" Harry asked.  
  
"None of the women burned at the stake in Salem were actually   
  
witches,Harry,remember? Now,it's home to more witches than   
  
I could count."  
  
"Is Poppy coming?"  
  
"She said she would."  
  
"Maybe she got lost."  
  
"Poppy doesn't get lost."  
  
Again,knocking.  
  
Harry opened it.   
  
"Harry," Madame Pomfrey said,with a wide smile. She was   
  
probably just glad she didn't have to sew his head back on  
  
or something. She was an middle-aged woman,with graying hair that   
  
clung to her long,thin face. She had had a bit of a problem   
  
dressing; sandals, two differently colored socks, corduroy   
  
clamdiggers, and a fuzzy diagram of the human body on her shirt.  
  
"Hi," Harry said. He stepped aside,and she walked in.  
  
"I don't suppose you two saw the eclipse last night," she said.   
  
"I did," Sprout said. "Hagrid and I watched it."  
  
"I was at a concert," Madame Hooch said. "Ever heard Dropdead?"  
  
"On dates,yes," Pomfrey said. "In concert, no."  
  
"Well,they played last night at this club. I didn't get out until  
  
three in the morning. I hate it when they overbook shows. Three  
  
or four bands is enough,but EIGHT..."  
  
"Well,there was a lunar eclipse last night. Did you see it,Harry?"  
  
"I was really tired last night," Harry said. "I was asleep by maybe  
  
eight o'clock..."  
  
"My word, these people work you like a horse, don't they?"  
  
"It gives me time to think," Harry said.  
  
"I imagine it would," Madame Hooch said. "You can't possibly   
  
have personal time with these people around. They don't know  
  
when to shut up. Right?"  
  
"Exactly," Harry said. "But...I know,if Professor Dumbledore could  
  
have found another way...he would have."  
  
The women agreed. "Mmmyesss..." they said,in trio.   
  
"Right now,this isn't the happiest place," Harry said. "It's just  
  
the safest."  
  
Professor Sprout sat next to him.   
  
Madame Pomfrey sat on his other side.  
  
Madame Hooch sat at his feet.  
  
"Are you okay, Harry?" Professor Sprout asked.  
  
Harry sunk his head against Professor Sprout's shoulder.  
  
"I'm...I don't feel angry anymore. I just...it's like my heart has   
  
a hole in it and I won't feel like it's fixed until I'm back at   
  
Hogwarts. Even that...I yelled at Professor Dumbledore...called him  
  
an old fool..."  
  
"I've yelled at him plenty of times," Madame Pomfrey said.   
  
"Oh, you should hear her," Professor Sprout said.   
  
"He sent us here," Madame Hooch said. "He cares for you,  
  
Harry. His feelings run quite deep."  
  
"So do ours," Sprout said. "You're one of us."  
  
And then the door opened all by itself.  
  
Petunia Dursley was carrying a pair of brown paper bags,full of  
  
groceries. The door swung shut when she walked in,seemingly of  
  
its own accord. She turned to regard it,forlorn.  
  
Then,of course,she saw the group sitting on and around the couch.  
  
"Oh great," she said. "You're from...that place. Right?"  
  
"We are," Madame Hooch said.  
  
"Maybe I should go feed Hedwig," Harry said.  
  
"Don't leave on our account,Harry. This will affect you,too."  
  
Harry stayed where he was.  
  
"We have a message for you,Petunia."  
  
"A message? What message?"  
  
"Oh. Hmm." Sprout cleared her throat. "The message,Ilsa?"  
  
"Right. Well,the message is simple. The message is Face it,Petunia.  
  
You're A Witch."  
  
She collapsed into Vernon's chair.  
  
"My husband is going to kill me."  
  
This was a surprise.   
  
"We expected you to be a bit...resistant," Poppy said.  
  
"I can hear the thoughts of complete strangers. I just listened   
  
to the innermost secrets of my neighbors,walking back here. It's  
  
a bit late to be in denial."   
  
"First off,never mind Vernon," Sprout said. "Vernon is an arse."  
  
"I know he is," Petunia said. "But I..."  
  
"You what?"  
  
"I was going to say that I love him...but I'm not sure I do."  
  
"Can we take your bags?"  
  
"Take them," Petunia said. "Most of that stuff goes in the   
  
refrigerator."  
  
Harry followed the witches into the kitchen. Aunt Petunia leaned  
  
against the sink.  
  
Madame Hooch opened the refrigerator. Her eyes went wide.  
  
"Where's all the food?" she asked.  
  
"Oh,come on," Petunia said. "We're trying to lose weight."  
  
"You can't lose weight by not eating," Madame Pomfrey said. "No   
  
wonder Harry always looks so lean in September."   
  
She dug into the bags and pulled out a container of yogurt.  
  
"Well,this is good," she said.  
  
"God,we're so awful to Harry.I don't know how he stands it."  
  
"Well-" Sprout began. She stopped talking,and walked into the  
  
hallway. "Harry," she called.  
  
Harry joined her in the hallway.  
  
"Is this where you used to sleep?"  
  
She was looking at the cupboard under the stairs.  
  
"Yeah," he said. "That's it."  
  
Pomfrey and Hooch,behind him,both looked both angry and sad.  
  
"I'm beginning to wonder whether I want to help you," Madame  
  
Pomfrey said to Petunia.  
  
"This young man has been through more heartache than you can  
  
possibly know," Sprout said. "He's seen people killed, people  
  
he loved. He's been demonized in the press, called dangerous,   
  
kidnapped, hunted, tortured, and used against his will. Then he's   
  
got you three jackasses, trying to...I don't know-break him? Make   
  
him renounce his natural abilities? Are you having a competition   
  
between the three of you? Haven't you ever looked in his eyes?"   
  
Petunia looked at her feet.  
  
"Well,let me tell you, Harry's spirit is unbreakable. How you could   
  
be so unkind to a child-young man now-as kind, as full of love as  
  
he is...and not just that, but the NEED to FEEL loved...it boggles   
  
my bloody mind, it does. Well,if he were my child-" she was too  
  
angry to say anything else. There was a long silence.  
  
"I doubt even witches can solve my problems," Petunia finally said.  
  
"I-I think Vernon is cheating on me."  
  
Sprout rolled her eyes. "Well of COURSE he is," she said.  
  
"That's what men do," Madame Pomfrey said,"Well,not all men. A lot  
  
of men. I've been dropped for a younger model at least twice.   
  
Addie'll tell you some REAL horror stories."  
  
"How many times have you been married?" Petunia asked her.  
  
"Just once," Sprout said. Her hands trembled.  
  
Petunia watched the cup shake.   
  
Harry had never seen Professor Sprout like this.  
  
"What did he do to you?" Harry asked.  
  
She shut her eyes.  
  
"He...Oh,I HATE remembering him..."  
  
Madames Pomfrey and Hooch were at her side. So was Harry.  
  
"It's all right, Addie," Ilsa said.  
  
"She was married to a real bastard," Madame Pomfrey said.  
  
Sprout gathered courage from them.  
  
"He made it so I couldn't have children," she said. "Ever."  
  
"Oh no."  
  
"Did you ever see a film called...ENEMY something...that muggle   
  
actress was in it. Roberts."  
  
"Julia Roberts?" Harry asked.  
  
"Right," Petunia said. "SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY. I've seen it."  
  
"My husband was like her husband. Only worse. He used the Cruciatis  
  
Curse on me while I was pregnant."  
  
Harry gasped.  
  
"As a result," Professor Sprout said,"I had to have my ovaries   
  
removed. My only children are my students, now. And my plants."  
  
"I'm so sorry," Petunia said.  
  
"Don't be sorry. I don't want anyone's pity. They threw him in   
  
prison and lost the key."  
  
"Are you still able to...you know..."  
  
"Sex is important," Sprout said. "It's an integral part of being  
  
a witch. We have a holiday called Beltane wholly dedicated to it.  
  
Well, actually,it's a Pagan holiday, but we celebrate it anyway."  
  
"Sounds like one hell of a holiday," Petunia said.   
  
"Oh,it certainly is."  
  
"So your husband didn't spoil men forever for you?"  
  
"There's another man in my life. He's wonderful. He's gentle,  
  
he's kind,laughs when he's happy,cries when he's sad. In fact,  
  
he makes me laugh all the time. You met him once."   
  
"I did?"  
  
"About six years ago? Hagrid?"  
  
"The giant," Petunia said. Then she laughed. "I thought he was  
  
going to EAT Vernon. In fact,can we get him over here?"  
  
"Giants don't eat people,Aunt Petunia."  
  
"They don't? Pity."  
  
There was an uncomfortable silence.  
  
"So what do you ladies have planned for me?" Petunia asked.  
  
"Petunia," Addie Sprout said,"It's what you need to do for   
  
yourself."  
  
"Does it involve drinking your blood?"  
  
"Drinking our blood? Petunia, that's revolting."  
  
"We're not vampires," Madame Hooch said. "Vampires do exist,  
  
by the way."  
  
"They do?"  
  
"Oh, they do. They certainly do."  
  
"Petunia,what you need to do is reinvent yourself."  
  
"Reinvent myself?"  
  
"Can't you feel the woman you were slipping away?"  
  
"I feel...something."  
  
"Rebirth," Sprout said.   
  
"Transfiguration," said Madame Pomfrey. "You've seen that film.   
  
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST."  
  
"Excellent example," Sprout said.  
  
"Thank you,Addie."  
  
"Addie?" Petunia asked.  
  
"Short for Adrianna." She shook her head. "We haven't even   
  
introduced ourselves. Petunia Dursley,this is Ilsa Hooch,  
  
flying instructor and Quidditch goddess."  
  
"You're going to teach me how to fly?"  
  
"If you like," she said.  
  
"Like Superman?"  
  
"With a broom,silly."  
  
"Oh," Petunia said. "Right. Of course. Addie...what do you teach?"  
  
"Herbology."  
  
"Plants?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"No wonder our lawn always looks so good..."  
  
Harry smiled.  
  
"And this is Poppy Pomfrey, the school nurse."  
  
"What are you going to teach me?"  
  
"Well,let's start with that dress,Petunia. Floral print just  
  
isn't you. I can see you in dark blue, can't you two?"  
  
"I'm envisioning her hair..."  
  
"You came here to give me a MAKEOVER?"  
  
"Is that what you call it?" Professor Sprout asked. "We call it   
  
a total spiritual revision."  
  
"You mean...it's going to be a spiritual experience?"  
  
(they can rebuild me,they can make me BETTER than I was before...)  
  
"It very well could be."  
  
"My God," Petunia said. "Let's do it."  
  
4.  
  
They got a chair and they put it in the middle of the kitchen.  
  
Petunia sat down.   
  
"Petunia," Sprout asked,"What's it like?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Having a child."  
  
"You mean,actually giving birth? Or raising children?"  
  
"Both."  
  
"Giving birth to Dudley was difficult. He broke my tailbone,coming  
  
out. Raising him has been...a challenge. Right now he's in this   
  
band called...Rectal Tissue."  
  
Ilsa Hooch spat a cascade of water into the sink. Sprout and   
  
Poppy laughed their heads off.  
  
"Rectal Tissue?" Hooch asked. "What is it,punk rock?"  
  
"Dudley calls it grindcore. I think it sounds like what happens  
  
when you put a fork down a garbage disposal."  
  
"Give it a chance," Ilsa Hooch said. "It could grow on you."  
  
"Dudley's band is practicing today."  
  
"What about my band?"  
  
Dudley walked into the kitchen. "Mom,who are these people?"  
  
"Friends of mine."  
  
"You haven't got any friends."  
  
"I do now,Dudley dearest."  
  
"Wait a second," Dudley said,angry."They're from that freak school  
  
Harry goes to. I know it."  
  
Professor Sprout silently mouthed the words "freak school" smiled  
  
and then turned on Dudley.  
  
"So you're Deadly Dudley Dursley," she said. "I've heard so  
  
much about you." she lost her smile. "None of it good."  
  
Dudley looked into the other room,thinking of escape.  
  
"Ilsa,how much do you bench again?" Sprout asked.  
  
"Yesterday,I did three hundred and fifty pounds. I don't know,  
  
Dudley,you look heavier than that. Still, I'd dearly love to   
  
get my hands on you and do a set of presses."   
  
"I box, you know."  
  
"So do I, Dudley. I'd challenge you to a kickboxing match if I  
  
were sure you could lift your knees high enough."  
  
Dudley narrowed his eyes. Petunia clearly heard him think the  
  
word BITCH. He didn't say it. He just turned on his heel and   
  
walked away.  
  
"Dudley,where are you going?"  
  
"Band practice. We're doing it in the garage today."  
  
He stomped out the back door.  
  
"Oh,I have to hear this," Madame Hooch said.  
  
5.  
  
"BILLIONS OF BODY BAAAAAGS! BILLIONS OF," he took a breath. "BODY  
  
BAGS LINED UP ON THE LAAAWWWN-"  
  
"Must be a really big lawn," Sprout said.  
  
"Or really small corpses," Poppy said.  
  
"Ants," Sprout said,and they both laughed.  
  
Ten seconds later,the piece was over.  
  
"Hey,if you're just joining us,we're Rectal Tear-"  
  
"Rectal TISSUE,Duddykins," Petunia called.  
  
"Right. Thanks,Mom. My mom,everyone."  
  
Harry looked around. "We're the only ones here."  
  
"No,I clearly saw someone in that house over there peeking through  
  
the window," Madame Hooch said.  
  
This next one is the first one the band ever wrote together. It's  
  
dedicated to my mom's new friends. This is called 'Intestinal   
  
Bungee Cord.'"  
  
Dudley began groaning into the microphone,and if the band had   
  
written this song together,they'd done it in separate rooms.  
  
"They're awful,aren't they?" Petunia asked.  
  
"Merlin, yes, they're awful," said Madame Hooch. "Good grindcore   
  
is primal, emotional,like an uncontrollable scream. This is...oh,  
  
well,there's not enough good grind in this country. Napalm Death...  
  
Carcass...Gorerotted...that's all I can name,offhand...at least   
  
they're trying."  
  
"You know," Addie said, "Someone quite wise once said "Trying is   
  
the first step towards failure."  
  
"Homer Simpson," Harry said.  
  
"Smartest man on television," Sprout said.  
  
6.  
  
"Do you know anyone named Endora?"  
  
"Ah. That takes me back. I remember the Endora Generation."  
  
"My mother was named Endora," Madame Hooch said. "That show  
  
was so popular."  
  
"All I really know about witchcraft,I learned from the cinema,"  
  
Petunia said. She handed Sprout a dress. "This one didn't fit."  
  
Madame Pomfrey shook her head. "That's the way it is for a   
  
lot of people. How many positive portrayals of witches have you  
  
seen in those films? I don't remember any. There's that one,  
  
the Italian one in the dance academy-"  
  
"SUSPIRIA," Madame Hooch said. "I've seen it."  
  
"So have I," Professor Sprout said. "Terrifying. But yes,  
  
quite prejudicial towards witches. Then there was this other  
  
one...THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT? Quite inflammatory."  
  
"Don't move, Petunia,I just want to cut this-got it."  
  
"Harry,would you come in here?"  
  
Harry came into the room.  
  
Slowly,they turned Petunia's chair around.  
  
Harry's jaw dropped.   
  
"Wow," he said.  
  
7.  
  
They all wound up together on the couch. Strangely enough, there  
  
was a TWILIGHT ZONE marathon happening on BBC2. The episode-Earl  
  
Hamner,Jr's "Jess-Belle"-just happened to be about witchcraft.  
  
Jeanette Nolan was telling Jess that she could have fun being a  
  
witch.  
  
"BE a witch," she told her. "Take a witch's pleasure-"  
  
"GIVE HIM WITCH'S LOVE!" the professors shrieked,and then giggled  
  
like the witches that they were.   
  
The ending was happy. Sad,if you were an evil witch.  
  
Harry got up to use the bathroom.  
  
"That's one thing I don't understand," Petunia said. "You  
  
are good witches,right?"  
  
"Not that question again," Madame Pomfrey said. Her voice went  
  
up a few octaves. "'Are you a GOOD witch...or a BAD witch? Petunia,  
  
we're all very nice, I assure you. There are just...some who give   
  
the craft a bad name."  
  
"Like the man who killed my sister?"  
  
There was a silence.  
  
"Yes," Professor Sprout finally said.  
  
Petunia turned back to the television.   
  
8.  
  
Harry washed his hands.  
  
Then, he went into the kitchen.  
  
He swept some crumbs off of the kitchen table,into the trash.  
  
Then he opened the refrigerator,took out the milk and poured  
  
himself a glass. He turned from the refrigerator.  
  
There was now someone sitting at the kitchen table.   
  
Albus Dumbledore.   
  
He was feeding Hedwig some bacon.  
  
Harry nearly dropped the glass.  
  
"Professor Dumbledore," he said. "How did you get in?"  
  
"I let myself in, Harry."  
  
"Would you like some tea?"  
  
"The company of Hedwig and you is what I need right now."  
  
Harry pulled a chair next to him.   
  
A burst of wild laughter came from the living room.  
  
"She isn't fighting it," Dumbledore said. "Good."  
  
"I've never seen her like that," he said.   
  
"I hope she learns to accept it."  
  
"At least we tried," Harry said.  
  
"It was the least I could do."  
  
Harry took the old man's hand.  
  
Neither of them spoke for awhile; they didn't need to.  
  
Even Hedwig was quiet.  
  
Then Dumbledore looked back into the living room.  
  
"Are they watching THE TWILIGHT ZONE?"  
  
"Yeah,they are."  
  
"'Jess-Belle," I suppose?"  
  
"You missed that one."  
  
"My favorite episode."  
  
"I didn't know you liked THE TWILIGHT ZONE."  
  
"One of the few reasons I've ever had to watch television. Rod  
  
Serling was a brilliant writer. And he hired the best writers   
  
there were,in those days. What they created was pure poetry,  
  
in the written and visual sense."  
  
From the living room:  
  
"I know who you ARE. I know WHAT you are."  
  
"Robert Redford,that's who he is..." someone said. More laughter.  
  
"Ah," Dumbledore said. "'Nothing In The Dark.' Another favorite   
  
of mine."  
  
"Let's go in and watch it."  
  
"I've...I've seen it, Harry."  
  
"You've probably seen them all."  
  
"Twice," he said. "Harry..."  
  
"Yes, sir?"  
  
"How does she look?"  
  
"She doesn't seem so nervous anymore," Harry said.   
  
Dumbledore smiled.  
  
9.  
  
The professors came in from the living room.  
  
"She's asleep," Professor Sprout said.  
  
"Ladies," he said,"I cannot thank you enough."  
  
"Our pleasure,Albus," Madame Pomfrey said,and left.  
  
"Right," Madame Hooch said."See you." She followed Madame Pomfrey.   
  
"See you later," Professor Sprout said.  
  
She kissed him on the cheek, and headed for the door.  
  
Professor Dumbledore touched his cheek. As Harry watched,he   
  
blushed.   
  
"Oh...Addie..."  
  
"Yes,Albus?"  
  
Dumbledore handed her a few pounds. "Harry,up the street,there is   
  
a cinema that's now host to a myriad of protective spells. Could   
  
you take Professor Sprout to a film?"  
  
"Sure," he said.   
  
"He might be sleeping on your couch tonight,Addie," Dumbledore  
  
whispered. Sprout nodded.  
  
She left,arm in arm, with Harry.  
  
10.  
  
Dumbledore sat there,in the kitchen, with Hedwig. He  
  
stroked her feathers,which she greatly appreciated.  
  
He was alone long enough to begin humming.  
  
Petunia came in from the other room.   
  
She leaned against the doorframe.  
  
"I should have known you'd come," Petunia said. Her lips tightened,  
  
trying to smile. "I heard you humming. It woke me up."  
  
"Of course I came," Dumbledore said. "Did you think I wouldn't?"  
  
"I didn't know what to think."  
  
"So," he said, "Now you know."  
  
"I...I didn't realize. I'm still so confused."  
  
"You won't be confused for long."  
  
"Good," she said.   
  
"I just wish...I wish your sister-"  
  
He couldn't continue.  
  
"You know what I mean," he said.  
  
"I know what you mean," she said.  
  
"Good," he said. "You look wonderful. But then,  
  
you've always been beautiful."  
  
He pushed the chair away from the table,and stood up.  
  
"I must go," he said.   
  
"Will I see you again?"  
  
"You will," he said. "For now...goodbye, Petunia."  
  
He stood up,and started for the door.  
  
He looked so very old. Ancient.  
  
But he had so much energy.  
  
She could feel it from across the room.  
  
Petunia bowed her head.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
Dumbledore didn't turn around.  
  
"Yes,Petunia?"  
  
"I'm...sorry."  
  
For a moment, he didn't speak.Then,so gently,she almost didn't hear,  
  
he said, "I forgave you a long time ago."  
  
He walked out the door.   
  
"Wait," Petunia whispered.   
  
By the time she reached the door,there was no sign of him outside.  
  
Epilogue  
  
Vernon parked the car. He opened the door and got out.  
  
What was that music?   
  
"...we are the last two left on Earth..."  
  
It was coming from inside the house, accompanied by a slow,  
  
throbbing bass line that seemed to be shaking the windows; it   
  
could've been the slow, seductive singer in the midst of it all.  
  
"-and I was lost for words in your arms..."  
  
He trod across the grass,noticing the gaping holes in the lawn.  
  
He reached the door.  
  
"Not enough time...for all that I want for you...not enough time-"  
  
Petunia opened it before he could knock.  
  
"-for ev'ry kiss-"  
  
She was wearing a sirloin steak around her neck.  
  
"-and ev'ry touch..."  
  
The thing was,she wasn't wearing anything else.  
  
"and all the nights..."   
  
She looked at him like a lioness sizing up prey.   
  
"...I wanna BE inside you..."  
  
"Vernon,dear," she said,"We need to talk."  
  
Vernon failed to formulate words. Didn't matter. She could hear his   
  
every thought; most of them concerned what she'd done with her hair.  
  
"Actually, we can talk later," she said. "I'm going to make   
  
you forget all about that Stephanie slut."  
  
She wrapped her fist around his tie, pulled him inside and willed  
  
the door to slam behind them. 


End file.
